Hi Problem Pal. My partner and I could really use some advice on what to do.
We’re planning to marry on the 17th of April at our dream venue; we were lucky to get the date with all of the 2020 weddings being moved, and we put down a non-refundable 50% deposit right away to secure it.
We’ve been getting things organised but we haven’t sent out our invitations yet; we were planning to print them next week after we confirmed the timings with the church.
This week, we received a wedding invitation in the post from some friends who got engaged last year – for a wedding on the 17th of April!
We’re not the closest of friends with them; this is probably just bad luck rather than anything deliberate. But we do have a lot of mutual friends in common who we really want to be at our wedding.
I haven’t said anything to our friend circle yet. One close friend suggested splitting the day between weddings or asking half the friends to go to one wedding and half to the other, but I don’t think that would feel right.
I’d be fine re-scheduling our day so everyone could come to both weddings, but there’s no dates available at our venue for the rest of the year. We’d need to find a new venue, which we don’t want to do, and lose the 50% deposit, which we can’t afford, or delay our wedding even longer.
We’ve also paid deposits for the car, the band, and pre-booked the church; all the contracts say we’d have to pay a fee to move the dates, or lose the deposits if we cancel all together. It adds up to a lot of money!
We’d hugely appreciate any suggestions on what we can do.
I’ve been planning my wedding for six months and I’m already SICK of talking about it!
I feel like my wedding is dominating every single conversation I have.
Everyone I talk to, from my friends to my co-workers, asks about my wedding. And it’s always the same things! It’s like being in Groundhog Day, having the same conversations over and over!
I appreciate that my friends are just interested in what really is a big part of my life just now, but I’ve hit a point where I’m boring myself.
I don’t feel like I’m getting a chance to actually catch up with anyone, I’m just talking on auto-pilot about the same things, rather than having real conversations with my friends.
I feel like I’m two more questions about my dress away from screaming! Or eloping!!
How can I tell people I don’t want to talk about my wedding without being rude?
There are seven words no one planning their wedding wants to hear: ‘you could at least offer a soup.’
I’ve helped couples navigate tricky social situations from wayward wedding guests on Problem Pal before, from guests who didn’t RSVP but thought they could still rock up, to guests who took it upon themselves to invite other people to the wedding, but this is the first time I’ve heard of wedding guests who aren’t involved in the planning criticising everything about the wedding – and the bride.
If you have high blood pressure, you might want to give this one a miss. It will make you angry.
How do you ask your family and friends if they would like to give toasts at your wedding without pressuring them into it?
There are a few people who I’d like to give toasts and readings at my wedding but I’m worried if I – the bride – ask them, they’ll feel obligated to do it, even if they don’t want to.
I’d especially love my mum to give a speech on the day but I don’t know how comfortable she’d be doing it. She’s been nervous doing public speaking before and I hate the thought of her spending the day worrying about the speech instead of enjoying herself, but I know she’ll feel she has to say yes if I ask her.
While I could ask someone else, it’s really the only part of the day she could be involved with, since she’s not giving me away. I don’t want her to feel left out and I’m really torn on what to do.
I hate my engagement ring. Haaaaaate it. It’s gaudy and huge and not my style at all.
I never thought I was the kind of girl who’d care about carots and jewellery, but this is just so wrong. I can’t imagine wearing it for the next fifty years. And seeing other people’s engagement rings on Instagram makes me want to cry.
This should be something I’m excited about and want to show off – but when I look at it, all I can do is wonder how my fiancé got my taste so wrong.
I know there are much worse problems in the world and this feels like such a superficial thing to be upset about, but it’s really dampening my excitement at being engaged.
Should I say anything? Should I ‘lose it’ somewhere? Or am I doomed to a life with the world’s ugliest ring?
What should you do if someone you love dies in the lead-up to your wedding?
It feels like an impossible position – carry on with the wedding, when you’re in anything but a party mood, or delay it and risk losing deposits, suppliers, and other guests.
That’s the problem Grief-Stricken wrote into us about. (Before lockdown, I should add!)
Hi Problem Pal. I don’t know what to do.
My grandmother passed away a few weeks ago, out of no where. We’re all surprised and absolutely devastated.
I’m meant to be getting married next month but I just can’t imagine going ahead with it at the moment. It feels disrespectful to have a big party right now, and I know none of my family will be in the right frame of mind for it.
But, if we don’t go ahead, we’ll lose all our deposits, and I’m not sure we’ll be able to afford to have the wedding we had planned if we have to pay for everything twice.
I know my fiancée wants to go ahead. She’s being super supportive and saying it’s up to me, but I can tell she’s upset at the thought of having to get a different, cheaper venue. It took us a long time to find and we made a lot of decisions around it. If we had to start again, it would be like throwing it away and planning a whole new wedding.
I want to have the wedding we had planned, but it doesn’t feel right to have it now, so close to the funeral. What should we do?
Hello Problem Pal. My fiancée and I are in an awkward situation and we hoped you could give us some advice.
We have a good friend, Tahani, who likes throwing big get togethers with friends she knows from all different walks of life. We never spend time with her alone nowadays, we only ever see her in a big group.
Because of this, we’ve become friendly with some of her other friends, Chidi and Eleanor. We’re not close enough friends to spend time with them without Tahani – we don’t even have their phone numbers! – but we get on well when we chat at parties and we’re friends on Facebook.
Now to the problem: our wedding venue has quite limited space. When we were working out our guest list, we didn’t even think of Chidi and Eleanor. We had a hard enough time fitting in our family and close friends, never mind friends of friends!
But we invited Tahani – and Tahani has assumed Chidi and Eleanor are coming. She’s told them all about the day and even talked about car pooling with them!
She told us about it casually – like it wouldn’t even be a question that these people who we’ve hung around with maybe five times in total would be coming to our wedding – and now we don’t know what to do.
I feel awkward about it and think maybe we should find some room for them from somewhere to avoid hurting any feelings, but my fiancée doesn’t want to give up space at our small wedding for friends of a friend.
What should we do?
– In The Bad Place (Guest List Planning)
Already Owns Enough Toasters has written into our Problem Pal advice column with a worry a lot of couples have:
Can you ever ask for money for your wedding or will everyone think you’re being rude?
My fiancé and I have been living together for a long time and we already have everything we need.
We’re getting married in France and we don’t want our family to have to bring presents with them. And we don’t want to haul them back, either!
Can we ask for money without it coming across the wrong way?
Yes. Yes you can.
Right Place, Wrong Time has written into our Problem Pal advice column with a problem that will sound familiar to anyone who’s looking for their perfect wedding venue.
My fiance and I have been looking for a venue for our wedding all year. It feels like we haven’t had a weekend where we’ve done anything but drive out to stately homes or talk to hotels about packages, but none of them have been right. We can’t imagine having the wedding we want at any of them.
Until…! Last week, we finally found the perfect venue! It’s exactly what we’ve been looking for – and it’s even in our budget! The problem is, when we asked them about dates, they said they didn’t have any more until the end of next year – and they didn’t have any spring dates for the next two years?!
I want to cry. I don’t want to look for another venue but I don’t want to put my wedding off for years either. What should I do?
Choosing your wedding guestlist is already a minefield. Balancing the people you feel you ought to invite with the people you most want there. Working out who’s a day guest and who’s an evening guest. Broaching the dangerous debate of kid-friendly or kid-free.
But what do you do when you’ve got it all worked out – then your friends break-up?
In this month’s Problem Pal, we’re looking at how you should handle a friend breaking up with their plus one before your wedding.
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