There’s a tradition in British weddings known as flowers-for-the-mums. You say it as a single word, in a single breath; the notion that a newly married person will be doling out a bouquet and a ‘ta for raising me’ is so innocuous, so ingrained, flowers-for-the-mums is listed off in that single breath on every checklist, every etiquette book, every planning podcast.

Flowers-for-the-mums is a wedding-by-numbers activity, expected to happen the same way, at the same time, at every wedding – no matter what the wedding, or the couple getting married, is like.

1. Stop halfway through your toast. What you were saying was unimportant. This is flowers-for-the-mums!
2. Whip a spectacular bouquet of flowers out of no where and present it to your new spouse’s mother.
3. Mumble awkwardly about being grateful for her help. If she didn’t help, mumble awkwardly about being grateful for your new spouse, as if they are a cake your mother-in-law has baked especially for you.
4. Whip out a second, equally spectacular bouquet. Be careful not to make it any more or less spectacular. The spectacle of the bouquets will be closely monitored.
5. Present it to your own mother with another awkward mumble, desperately wishing you hadn’t used all your best gratitude already. Use words like ‘again’ to make the same embarrassed speech sound plausibly different.
6. Sit down, red-faced and embarrassed, wondering why every piece of advice you read told you to do this.

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