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Help! I HATE my engagement ring
Stress-free wedding planningStress-free wedding planning: Problem Pal

Help! I HATE my engagement ring

By Mell 20th of June, 2020

I hate my engagement ring. Haaaaaate it. It’s gaudy and huge and not my style at all.

I never thought I was the kind of girl who’d care about carots and jewellery, but this is just so wrong. I can’t imagine wearing it for the next fifty years. And seeing other people’s engagement rings on Instagram makes me want to cry.

This should be something I’m excited about and want to show off – but when I look at it, all I can do is wonder how my fiancé got my taste so wrong.

I know there are much worse problems in the world and this feels like such a superficial thing to be upset about, but it’s really dampening my excitement at being engaged.

Should I say anything? Should I ‘lose it’ somewhere? Or am I doomed to a life with the world’s ugliest ring?

All right. Real talk. If you don’t feel you can have an awkward conversation with the person you’re engaged to, you shouldn’t be engaged to them.

You need to be able to talk to your partner about anything – or you aren’t partners

You need to be okay talking to your partner about potentially awkward things. Making a life together comes with compromises, difficult decisions, and hardships.

You need to divide bills and chores – and ask them to do more when you need to do less. You need to make hard choices together about your children, and your parents, and your pets. You’ll need to tell them when you’ve lost a job. Or been asked to move for work. Or had a health scare.

If you can’t approach them when all that’s at stake is hurt feelings, are they the person you should be making big life decisions with? If you’re afraid to be honest with them because you think they’ll react badly, are you going to be safe and respected in a relationship with this person?

Only you can answer that. But be honest with yourself. As hard as it would be to end things now, it will only get harder down the line.

Assuming you’re in a safe, loving relationship where you can communicate with your partner…

Communicate with your partner

Marriage is about honesty – so be honest. It might feel like an awkward conversation to start but it doesn’t have to be uncomfortable.

Find a quiet moment alone, gently explain that the ring isn’t quite your style, and suggest exchanging it for another one you pick out together.

You could say something like:

I’m so excited to marry you and start our lives together, but I think it’s important we’re always honest with each other. I don’t think my engagement ring suits my style. Would we be able to pick out a different ring together and exchange it?

Or:

I’m so touched that you gave me your grandmother’s ring. I love what that represents and the idea that we’re family now, but the ring itself doesn’t quite suit me. How would you feel about moving the stones into a different setting, or else picking out a new ring together?

The important thing is to say the ring isn’t quite right for you – not that they have terrible taste or don’t know you at all, or anything else that will make them defensive! – and suggest getting a replacement together, so you’re not closing them out of this special time.

It’s a reasonable request. If your partner is a reasonable person, they’re going to understand.

Style over substance

That said, it’s important to mention here that the price tag shouldn’t be factoring into this.

We’ve explained before how the diamond trade sets their prices artificially high. They’re not more valuable than other stones (synthetic diamonds have no resale value whatsoever!), so if a lower cost or an unusual gem is coming into your feelings here, it might be worth sleeping on it and deciding if you really don’t like the ring itself, or the message you’re worried it’s sending.

There’s nothing wrong with an affordable ring; the idea of it being three months’ salary comes from a time when calling off an engagement ruined a woman, and the ring bought you out of a lawsuit. (Seriously. Victorians were weird.)

It’s a far better idea to buy a ring you can comfortably afford now and – if you’d like to – put money aside every year to get your dream ring on your tenth wedding anniversary, than to go into debt before your marriage has even begun for something that has a statistically high chance of falling down a drain, being lost in a vegetable patch, or coming off in the ocean on your honeymoon!

But if this is to do with the style over the status (and it sounds like it is), you should be able to exchange it for something more you at every price band.

You’re marrying the person – not the ring

Remember, the ring is just a symbol – a way for your partner to show that they’re serious, that they’ve thought about this, when they ask you to marry them.

It’s not an indication of how much they know or love you.

This is still an exciting time and you should be excited. Don’t read more into this than what it is: your partner thought you might like something but it wasn’t quite right for you. That’s okay. It will happen sometimes.

Your partner isn’t a mind-reader. Even the best, most attentive people in the world can hit and miss. (Just ask about the Christmas I got nothing but Harry Potter colouring books.)

If you love each other enough to get married, you love each other enough to have honest conversations, to make mistakes, and to move on, together.

Photo by Antonio Guillem.

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Mell

After planning, designing, and coding her own wedding, Mell started Gettin' Hitched Rocks to help awesome couples stay WHELMED through the wedding planning process, with clever websites that do the work for them.

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About Gettin’ Hitched Rocks

About Gettin’ Hitched Rocks

Hi! I'm Mell.

I started Gettin’ Hitched Rocks to keep you whelmed while you plan your wedding, with wedding websites that do the wedmin for you and send automatic RSVP reminders to the people who need them, and matching stationery, so you can carry the design you love, with your personality shining through in every detail, across every part of your wedding, from save the dates to thank yous — and everything inbetween!

Stay whelmed with our free resources, interviews with real couples on what not to do, our regular Problem Pal advice column, and stress-free wedding planning advice.

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It's awkward getting your RSVPs back on time. You It's awkward getting your RSVPs back on time. You don't want to chase up every guest - and frankly you've got better things to do, like binge Bridgerton (again) - but it's important to get your final headcount across to your venue, your caterer, and your stationer.⁠
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If you handle your RSVPs on a wedding website, it can automatically send out email and SMS reminders - just to the people who need them - when it starts getting close to your deadline.⁠
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An automatic reminder to RSVP isn't embarrassing the way being pulled up by the couple is - and it encourages quicker answers, since your guests can RSVP then and there on their phone, as soon as they read the message.⁠
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Check out our wedding website demo to see how a wedding website can keep you WHELMED while you plan your wedding.⁠
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An order of service gives you a space to explain n An order of service gives you a space to explain not just what will happen at your wedding ceremony (and how many biscuits your guests will need to bribe their kids with, to keep them quiet) but what its significance is; why a reading matters to you, or why you picked a song to enter to.⁠
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And it's a space to introduce people to your wedding party, and your partner, if they might not know them well.⁠
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It's a chance to give people information they might need - whether that's the fact you're having a phone-free wedding or the wifi password. (No judgement.)⁠
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And it's something your friends from different walks of life can chat about as they get to know one another, and take home with them as a souvenir of your day.⁠
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Find out more about orders of service and the other on-the-day wedding stationery that can help organise your wedding on our blog.⁠
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This February, we're giving 5% of every sale we ma This February, we're giving 5% of every sale we make to Inquest.⁠
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Inquest hold the government to account for state-related deaths, like death in police custody and the Grenfell Tower fire. ⁠
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They campaign for changes in policy to end institutional racism, expose failings and prevent preventable deaths. ⁠
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The thought of starting a gift registry makes a lo The thought of starting a gift registry makes a lot of people cringe. You don’t want to come across as greedy and you don’t want people to feel obligated to buy you anything.⁠
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So don't be afraid to ask for it. Even if it's cash.⁠
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You can use wording like:⁠
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‘You absolutely, positively, definitely, and definitively don't need to get us anything to celebrate our wedding. We just want everyone to show up and have a good time. Honestly.⁠
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‘But, if you would like to get us something, we've put together a little wishlist of what we need here.’ ⁠
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Or, if you really don’t want a gift registry, say so. (Or people will buy you a present anyway!)⁠
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‘We’ve been living together for a while now and have everything we need - all we want is for you to celebrate with us!’ ⁠
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And if you want more wedding planning tips and non-cringey wording examples, we have a free email series on how to plan a stress-free wedding at staywhelmed.com. (Link in bio.)
Save the date cards are one of the most useful too Save the date cards are one of the most useful tools you have to help plan your wedding; they give you time to THINK.⁠
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There's a lot to organise for a wedding - and a lot you can't do more than 12 months in advance. But leave it too late to send out your invitations and your friends might not be able to go!⁠
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With a save the date, all you need to have decided on is... well, the date. You can tell everyone all the nitty gritty details later - without worrying they might make other plans in the meantime.⁠
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Check out our range of save the dates on our shop, or get in touch to get something made just for you.⁠ (Link in bio.)
Let's talk about the unglamorous side of weddings. Let's talk about the unglamorous side of weddings.⁠
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The side that isn't in glossy magazines or on Pinterest. Where we completely misjudge things. Or forget them. Or wish we'd done things differently.⁠
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When I got married, the best advice I got was from my married friends, telling me the pitfalls they'd fallen into so I could avoid them.⁠
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That's why I decided to start a series of interviews with real couples, not just talking about the good parts of the day but the bad bits, too. The bits they'd do differently if they could.⁠
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Like Deby, who advises all of her friends to do everything they'll do on the day (within reason!) while they try on their wedding outfits: hug, walk, dance, bend over... Her dress was too loose and she reckons she ruined a lot of good photos, shoving her hand down her strapless top to avoid an accidental Janet Jackon impersonation!⁠
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Check out our interview with Deby and our other couples on our blog to find out what ideas you should steal - and what you should avoid! (Link in bio.)
Every month, we donate 5% of every sale we make to Every month, we donate 5% of every sale we make to charity. This January, we're supporting @womens_aid, who do invaluable work to help families who've suffered domestic abuse.⁠
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