Gettin' Hitched Rocks
  • Websites
  • Stationery
  • Bespoke designs
  • Advice & inspiration
  • Contact us
  • About

Gettin' Hitched Rocks

Advice and inspiration for stress-free wedding planning

  • Websites
  • Stationery
  • Bespoke designs
  • Advice & inspiration
  • Contact us
  • About
My in-laws HATE everything about my wedding – and me!
Stress-free wedding planningStress-free wedding planning: Problem Pal

My in-laws HATE everything about my wedding – and me!

By Mell 15th of August, 2020

There are seven words no one planning their wedding wants to hear: ‘you could at least offer a soup.’

I’ve helped couples navigate tricky social situations from wayward wedding guests on Problem Pal before, from guests who didn’t RSVP but thought they could still rock up, to guests who took it upon themselves to invite other people to the wedding, but this is the first time I’ve heard of wedding guests who aren’t involved in the planning criticising everything about the wedding – and the bride.

If you have high blood pressure, you might want to give this one a miss. It will make you angry.

Hi Problem Pal.

I’m at the end of my rope with some of my wedding guests and I need a little outside perspective before I wind up saying something I’ll regret!

I don’t know how much detail you need to give advice – I’m sorry if this is TMI!

My fiancé comes from a big Irish Catholic family and I’ve always felt like they were cold to me. His sisters treat me fine but his aunties especially have always been a little off, never treating me the way they treat my fiancé’s sister-in-laws. His mum isn’t as cold but she definitely doesn’t treat me the same either.

Now, I’ve been married before, I have a teenage daughter, and I don’t want any more kids, and I’ve always been honest about that. My fiancé is totally onboard and none of it was news to him. (We knew each other for fifteen years before we got together! He was actually a guest at my first wedding!!) But I think his family don’t like the idea of him marrying a divorced woman who doesn’t want to have babies.

I’ve always done my best to ignore it, but things have gotten a lot worse since we got engaged.

My fiancé, my daughter, and I live in England, and my family live here too, but my fiancé’s family live in Ireland.

We worried that it might be hard for everyone to travel for our wedding since we both have elderly relatives who don’t have loads of expendable income, but we knew they’d want to be involved in the wedding.

We decided the fairest thing would be to have an engagement party in Ireland this year, that was basically a wedding – a three-course meal we’d pay for, everyone dressed up, a dance floor – and the wedding itself in England the next year. We’d invite everyone to both, but if elderly aunts could only travel to one event, they wouldn’t feel they’d missed out.

We thought it was a perfect compromise but my fiancé’s family thought differently. We got so many texts and phone calls and subtle shade on Facebook about it, we decided to just have the wedding in Ireland this year to make them happy.

But nothing is making them happy. They are complaining about everything.

With the COVID restrictions, we can’t have many people at the day so it’s only family and one close friend each. I’ve only invited my immediate family – my mum, my sister, and my daughter – so I only have four guests, but you’d think I’d invited the Mongolian Horde for the flack I’m getting for it. His auntie was telling me I should leave my daughter at home because she ‘won’t appreciate it’ so her son – my fiancé’s cousin – could bring a plus-one we’ve never even met instead!

The straw that broke the camel’s back happened today, though. We can’t have as many guests at our wedding as we’d planned but we’d already paid for everything, so our caterer offered to bump us up to their £100 a head menu. It’s a great deal for us with much better food – think steak instead of chicken.

When we spoke to his family to find out what they’d like on the new menu, his auntie told me I was ‘very inconsiderate’ for changing menus (was I just meant to lose the extra £1000?! Was I meant to ask for the extra thirty meals in doggy bags?!) and she said I should ‘at least offer a soup’.

Soup wasn’t even on the old menu!

I just can’t believe they’re criticising me for paying £100 each for them to have a fancy meal. I can’t believe I’m going to travel to Ireland for my wedding, so they can be 30 minutes away from their house, and I’m going to spend my wedding day surrounded by people who clearly don’t want the wedding to be going ahead at all.

I wish I could just uninvite them all and have our friends there instead, but I know that would just cause a bigger drama.

Is there a way to stop them from ruining the day, or is anything I say just going to make it worse?

I’m so sorry. Your partner’s family sound like awful people.

When critics keep finding issues, it’s because they’re hunting for – or making – them

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said, ‘nothing is making them happy.’ Nothing will make them happy. It’s not about where the wedding is or who’s invited or what food you serve. They’re searching for reasons to be unhappy about the wedding because they’re already unhappy about the wedding.

If they can blame their unhappiness, through any kind of mental gymnastics, on the location or the guest list or the soup then it’s your fault. You’ve somehow committed a terrible faux pas and they can openly criticise you for it. Because the alternative is admitting to themselves that they’re being jerks – and they aren’t going to do that kind of self-reflection.

They don’t like you. I’m sorry, but their actions are making this incredibly loud and clear. They just don’t like you.

You aren’t planning your wedding ‘wrong’

They’re never going to fully admit to themselves why – it would take hard work, maybe even therapy, to realise they’re being judgemental snobs – so they’re trying to find justification for not liking you instead. That justification right now is you planning your wedding ‘wrong’.

Even though:
a) you haven’t, there is absolutely no wrong way to plan a wedding.
b) you have given into their batty demands time and again, and they’ve just found something new to be ‘wrong’.
c) you are not the only one planning this wedding.

Later, their justification will be you wearing the wrong outfit to church, choosing not to go to church, the decorations you put up for holidays, taking the last biscuit, leaving the last biscuit, or living in a street with less than perfect parking.

The twisted ideal endgame of this is that they’ll irritate you so much, you’ll finally snap at them. At which point, in their minds, you become the unreasonable one and they can reassure themselves that they’ve always been entirely justified in not liking you.

No matter what you do, you are never going to make these people happy. Stop trying.

Make sure you and your partner are on the same page

You don’t mention what your fiancé has been doing through this. It sounds like you’re on the front line, making these calls and getting flack from his family. Does he know what’s been going on between you? Have you told him the full extent of how this is hurting you?

If you haven’t, you need to talk to your fiancé about this. Sit down together and explain what has happened and how it’s making you feel. Talk about everything you mentioned in your letter, the way you’re noticeably treated differently to everyone else’s partners, the ridiculous requests they keep making of you, the insults they’re openly giving you.

It’s not an attack on him or his family – it’s you asking your partner for support when you need it.

You need support – are you getting it?

If you have spoken to him, there are some more questions you need to consider. You don’t have to answer to anyone but yourself but you do need to be completely honest: is he helping you as much as he can? Is he aware of how much abuse you’re getting from his family? Is he protecting you from it to the best of his ability?

And: is this person providing a safe environment for me and my child?

No one can answer those questions for you. Maybe your partner has been completely unaware and, from now on, he’ll shut this nonsense down completely. Or maybe you need to consider if this is the life you want to live. Because it goes past your wedding day.

The soup is not the issue here

They say you’re in a relationship with a person, not their family, but it’s not quite true. Their family will always be in your life.

Is your fiancé close to his extended family? How often do you expect to see these horrible Roald Dahl aunties when restrictions are lifted? Once a year? Every other year, for the holidays? Only for weddings and funerals?

If you’re not expecting to see them often, this could be something you just roll your eyes at. Aunt Spike is at it again. Sure, sure. If your partner is understanding and supportive, you could even laugh about this together – because the requests are laughable.

But if you’re going to be spending a lot of time with these people, or if your partner isn’t seeing how damaging this toxic behaviour is, this might not be a situation you can safely stay in. These might not be people you can surround your daughter with.

It’s not a nice thing to consider when you’re planning a wedding, I know. But it will only get harder the longer you wait.

Take time. Be honest with yourself. And don’t stay in a situation that damages your self-esteem, your mental health, or your idea of how a normal, loving family works.

Do you have a wedding worry?

Check out our Problem Pal advice column. If you want some outside perspective on your wedding woes, leave a comment or get in touch for actionable, anonymous wedding planning advice.

Get in touch

Stay whelmed while you plan your wedding

Want more advice and ideas on how to plan your wedding, stress-free? Sign up to our free five day wedding planning course and stay whelmed.

Pin this to your Pinterest-perfect wedding board

Advice columnDifficult peopleFuture in-lawsProblem PalSubtle shade on Facebook is never the answerWedding planning problems
Leave a comment
0
Facebook Twitter Google + Pinterest
Mell

After planning, designing, and coding her own wedding, Mell started Gettin' Hitched Rocks to help awesome couples stay WHELMED through the wedding planning process, with clever websites that do the work for them.

You may also like

I want to walk down the aisle to...

Our friends sent invitations out for our wedding...

Everyone asks the same questions about my wedding...

How can I ask my friends to be...

Help! I HATE my engagement ring

My grandmother died 30 days before my wedding...

Have your say Cancel reply

About Gettin’ Hitched Rocks

About Gettin’ Hitched Rocks

Hi! I'm Mell.

I started Gettin’ Hitched Rocks to keep you whelmed while you plan your wedding, with wedding websites that do the wedmin for you and send automatic RSVP reminders to the people who need them, and matching stationery, so you can carry the design you love, with your personality shining through in every detail, across every part of your wedding, from save the dates to thank yous — and everything inbetween!

Stay whelmed with our free resources, interviews with real couples on what not to do, our regular Problem Pal advice column, and stress-free wedding planning advice.

Keep in touch

Twitter Instagram Pinterest Bloglovin RSS

Get the free guide

House collection designs

Gettin' Hitched Rocks Collection: Cooper invitation postcard

Instagram

It's awkward getting your RSVPs back on time. You It's awkward getting your RSVPs back on time. You don't want to chase up every guest - and frankly you've got better things to do, like binge Bridgerton (again) - but it's important to get your final headcount across to your venue, your caterer, and your stationer.⁠
⁠
If you handle your RSVPs on a wedding website, it can automatically send out email and SMS reminders - just to the people who need them - when it starts getting close to your deadline.⁠
⁠
An automatic reminder to RSVP isn't embarrassing the way being pulled up by the couple is - and it encourages quicker answers, since your guests can RSVP then and there on their phone, as soon as they read the message.⁠
⁠
Check out our wedding website demo to see how a wedding website can keep you WHELMED while you plan your wedding.⁠
⁠
(Link in bio.)
An order of service gives you a space to explain n An order of service gives you a space to explain not just what will happen at your wedding ceremony (and how many biscuits your guests will need to bribe their kids with, to keep them quiet) but what its significance is; why a reading matters to you, or why you picked a song to enter to.⁠
⁠
And it's a space to introduce people to your wedding party, and your partner, if they might not know them well.⁠
⁠
It's a chance to give people information they might need - whether that's the fact you're having a phone-free wedding or the wifi password. (No judgement.)⁠
⁠
And it's something your friends from different walks of life can chat about as they get to know one another, and take home with them as a souvenir of your day.⁠
⁠
Find out more about orders of service and the other on-the-day wedding stationery that can help organise your wedding on our blog.⁠
⁠
(Link in bio.)
It's one thing to say you should have whatever you It's one thing to say you should have whatever you want at your wedding - and another not to worry you'll be judged for your unconventional choices.⁠
⁠
A reader wrote into our advice column, asking if they should have the quirky entrance music they want at their wedding and risk starting the day on the wrong foot, with judgey comments from extended family, or compromise to avoid spending the day worrying what everyone thinks of them.⁠
⁠
Check out our blog for our advice on bringing personality into your day when you're facing criticism you can't shake off.⁠
⁠
⁠(Link in bio.)⁠
This February, we're giving 5% of every sale we ma This February, we're giving 5% of every sale we make to Inquest.⁠
⁠
Inquest hold the government to account for state-related deaths, like death in police custody and the Grenfell Tower fire. ⁠
⁠
They campaign for changes in policy to end institutional racism, expose failings and prevent preventable deaths. ⁠
⁠
Check them out and the wonderful work they do. And if you know any charities or non-profits who could use a little extra support, let us know in the comments!⁠
The thought of starting a gift registry makes a lo The thought of starting a gift registry makes a lot of people cringe. You don’t want to come across as greedy and you don’t want people to feel obligated to buy you anything.⁠
⁠
But - people will feel obligated regardless! People go all out for weddings. They like to push the boat out with expensive presents, to celebrate the milestone and to celebrate their friendship with you. And they'd much rather get you something you want.⁠
⁠
So don't be afraid to ask for it. Even if it's cash.⁠
⁠
It’s only a big deal if you make it one. Have a line in your invitation or wedding website explaining that all you want is your friends’ company but, if they do want to get you something, you’re registered at such-and-such. Or explain that you’d appreciate some money towards your honeymoon or to buy some furniture for your home.⁠
⁠
You can use wording like:⁠
⁠
‘You absolutely, positively, definitely, and definitively don't need to get us anything to celebrate our wedding. We just want everyone to show up and have a good time. Honestly.⁠
⁠
‘But, if you would like to get us something, we've put together a little wishlist of what we need here.’ ⁠
⁠
Or, if you really don’t want a gift registry, say so. (Or people will buy you a present anyway!)⁠
⁠
‘We’ve been living together for a while now and have everything we need - all we want is for you to celebrate with us!’ ⁠
⁠
And if you want more wedding planning tips and non-cringey wording examples, we have a free email series on how to plan a stress-free wedding at staywhelmed.com. (Link in bio.)
Save the date cards are one of the most useful too Save the date cards are one of the most useful tools you have to help plan your wedding; they give you time to THINK.⁠
⁠
There's a lot to organise for a wedding - and a lot you can't do more than 12 months in advance. But leave it too late to send out your invitations and your friends might not be able to go!⁠
⁠
With a save the date, all you need to have decided on is... well, the date. You can tell everyone all the nitty gritty details later - without worrying they might make other plans in the meantime.⁠
⁠
Check out our range of save the dates on our shop, or get in touch to get something made just for you.⁠ (Link in bio.)
Let's talk about the unglamorous side of weddings. Let's talk about the unglamorous side of weddings.⁠
⁠
The side that isn't in glossy magazines or on Pinterest. Where we completely misjudge things. Or forget them. Or wish we'd done things differently.⁠
⁠
When I got married, the best advice I got was from my married friends, telling me the pitfalls they'd fallen into so I could avoid them.⁠
⁠
That's why I decided to start a series of interviews with real couples, not just talking about the good parts of the day but the bad bits, too. The bits they'd do differently if they could.⁠
⁠
Like Deby, who advises all of her friends to do everything they'll do on the day (within reason!) while they try on their wedding outfits: hug, walk, dance, bend over... Her dress was too loose and she reckons she ruined a lot of good photos, shoving her hand down her strapless top to avoid an accidental Janet Jackon impersonation!⁠
⁠
Check out our interview with Deby and our other couples on our blog to find out what ideas you should steal - and what you should avoid! (Link in bio.)
Every month, we donate 5% of every sale we make to Every month, we donate 5% of every sale we make to charity. This January, we're supporting @womens_aid, who do invaluable work to help families who've suffered domestic abuse.⁠
⁠
Check them out and the wonderful work they do. And if you know any charities or non-profits who could use a little extra support, let us know in the comments!
With the New Year on the horizon, it's a good time With the New Year on the horizon, it's a good time to talk traditions.⁠
⁠
We can put far too much importance on tradition for tradition's sake - especially when it comes to weddings. It can be difficult to feel you can push back on history and on other people's expectations of what a wedding looks like.⁠
⁠
But your day should be your day. It should feel like you.⁠
⁠
If there are things you like, that will make the day feel more special and weighty to you, of course you should include them. But don't feel obligated to do anything because that's the way it's done, or that's what your parents recommend, or that's what you saw at someone else's wedding.⁠
⁠
Don't have a first dance if it will make you feel awkward. Don't have a sit-down three-course wedding breakfast if your favourite thing to eat is finger sandwiches.⁠
⁠
And don't feel your day has to work down a checklist. It's a special day - special doesn't have a set recipe.⁠
⁠
For tips and advice on how to push back and have the wedding you want, check out our free wedding planning course on StayWhelmed.com (link in bio), or check out our blog for advice on making wedding traditions your own.

Popular posts

  • How to plan a STRESS-FREE wedding

  • Wednesday Wedspiration: romantic wedding readings that AREN’T cheesy

  • How to word your wedding invitations (and why you shouldn’t stress about it)

  • 7 reasons why you NEED a wedding website

  • The best ideas you should steal from my wedding – and what to avoid

Twitter

If you handle your RSVPs on a wedding website, it can automatically send out email and SMS reminders to the people… https://t.co/8pwhrL88Yo
Reply Retweet Favorite
Orders of service give you a space to explain not just what will happen at your ceremony (and how many biscuits you… https://t.co/Pi2SzhYaVG
Reply Retweet Favorite
It's one thing to say you should have what you want at your wedding and another not to worry you'll be judged for y… https://t.co/NYZeh2aRE5
Reply Retweet Favorite
It’s important to bring your personality into your wedding so it feels like you, not a Martha Stewart checklist. If… https://t.co/doCTSFwrK7
Reply Retweet Favorite
This February, we're giving 5% of every sale we make to @INQUEST_ORG.⁠ ⁠ They campaign for changes in policy to end… https://t.co/zYROR83JhW
Reply Retweet Favorite

Tags

Advice column Free printable Guest post Mini-series Problem Pal Real weddings Wedding planning problems Wedding reading Wedding website Wednesday Wedspiration

Problem Pal

  • I want to walk down the aisle to something unconventional… and I’m worried people will judge me!

Recent posts

  • 7 ways to rock a veil at your wedding

  • Modern poems for wedding ceremony readings (that aren’t cheesy)

  • Plan a stress-free wedding with save the dates

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • Bloglovin
  • RSS
  • Gettin’ Hitched Rocks
  • Contact us
  • About
  • Privacy policy

Copyright © 2019 Gettin' Hitched, Ltd.
International House, 12 Constance Street, E16 2DQ

We use cookies to make this site rock. Find out more